Most viewed jokes

How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?
→ Put sheet music in front of him.

Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding?
→ To keep the flies off the bride!

Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?
→ Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says:

- Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money.

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says:

- Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested.

He replies:

- I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck.

- Well, - she says, maybe we can work something out.

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....

When they come out, she is breathless and says:

- Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck.

As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him:

- I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead.

She calls her friend and tells her:

- You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need.

What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says:

- Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife.

Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!! He says:

- Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!

- Dad, - he says, You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
→ A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut: The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find: The Los Angeles Times, November 2
'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories: Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking: The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers: The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought: The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11

What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball?
→ They're both brown, except the snowball.

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where do religious school children practice sports?
→ In the prayground!