Most viewed jokes

What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
→ They toasted the bride and groom.

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says:

- get in, get in!

The religous man replies:

- no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause:

- God will grant him a miracle.

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter:

- I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down.

St. Peter chuckles and responds:

- I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours.
When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.

- Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses. - explained the driver.

- What did you tell the farmer? - Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied:

- I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig.

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said:

- I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says:

- I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.

St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says:

- I was a case manager for an HMO.

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says:

- Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone:

- And how are we doing this morning?

Well, this is a story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said:

- It seems we are a little cloudy today...

At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of her hand, drinked its contents, saying:

- Well, I'll run it through again, maybe I can filter it better this time.

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying:

- I know the whole truth.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says:

- I know the whole truth.

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says:

- Just don't tell your father.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with:

- I know the whole truth.

The father promptly hands him $40 and says:

- Please don't say a word to your mother.

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying:

- I know the whole truth.

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says:

- Then come give your real father a big hug.

- This computer you charged me L950 for doesn't work....and you said it would be trouble free.

- It is, I charged you L950 for the computer, but you're getting all that trouble absolutely free!

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo:

- How high do you think they'll go?

- About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night! - said the kangaroo.

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a telephone.

- Doctor: Why's that?

- I keep getting calls in the night.

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.

A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

- Good lord, mister - he gasped, are you drunk?

- Of course - said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.

- What the hell do you think I am...a stunt driver!

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest:

- Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said:

- Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?

- Never Father, I'm Jewish.

- So then, why are you telling me?

- Because I'm telling everybody!