Most viewed jokes

What will a monster eat in a restaurant?
→ The waiter.

Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:

- Mother said there would be knights like this.

What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball?
→ Glass flippers!

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

- Your trouble is probably in the carburetor - said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

- Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye? - asked the farmer.

- Yes, yes - the man replied.

- Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie - said the farmer.

- She doesn't know a thing about cars.

If the world is getting smaller, why do postal rates keep going up?

The programmer to his son:

- Here, I brought you a new basketball.

- Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

- I know, Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way. - said the Branch Manager.

- No, no, That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way. - said the Hardware Engineer.

- Well, Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. - said the Software Engineer.

What might've happened:

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

- I'm going back home! - he tells the Iraqi.

- We'll finish these talks in two weeks!

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

- Forget this - says Saddam.

- I'm going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter:

- What Baghdad?

- Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

- No change yet.

Yo mamma's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she got Don King in a headlock!