Most viewed jokes

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest:

- Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said:

- Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?

- Never Father, I'm Jewish.

- So then, why are you telling me?

- Because I'm telling everybody!

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

10. Could our relationship be more physical?? I'm tired of being just friends.
11. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
12. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
13. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
14. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just to too cute.
15. This diamond is just way too big.
16. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
17. Wow!! It really is 14 inches.
18. Does this make my butt look too small??
19. I'm wrong, you must be right again..

• The two put together have an IQ over 150.
• The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
• There she sits, Finite State Automaton at its best.
• There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
• They must have done a clean boot on him.
• Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
• Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
• Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
• Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
• Thinks at 5 baud.
• Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
• Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
• Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
• thinks in lower case and types accordingly
• Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
• Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
• Three chickens short of a henhouse.
• Three miracles shy of being where he thinks he's at.
• Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
• Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.
• Too dumb to be bothered when publically displaying her ignorance.
• Too many birds on her antenna.
• Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
• Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
• Too much yardage between the goal posts.
• Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
• Took the little bus to school.
• Top paddock is full of rocks.
• Toys in the attic.
• Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said:

- I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

- What type of bra? - asked the clerk.

- Type? - inquires the man. There is more than one type?

- Look around - said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

- Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras - replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied:

- The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked:

- What is the difference between them?

The lady responded:

- It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

- Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?

- Donna: I dunno. How?

- Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.

- Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?

WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
→ It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
→ The noise gave her a headache.

WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
→ From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
→ She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
→ They don't know the route.

Why do blondes work seven days a week?
→ So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES?
→ Elvis has been sighted.

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
→ Some traffic signs say stop.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
→ The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
→ She turned it over and used the other side.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
→ "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

How does a blonde commit suicide?
→ She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you plant dope?
→ Bury a blonde.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
→ Wave to her.

How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
→ With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

How does a blonde get pregnant?
→ And I thought blondes were dumb

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
→ (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

How do you kill a blonde?
→ Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

How do blondes pierce their ears?
→ They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

How do you drown a blond?
→ Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
→ Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

How does a blonde high-5?
→ She smacks herself in the forehead.

How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
→ Flattered.

What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
→ A know-it-all bitch.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
→ To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE?
→ Hair transplants.

WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
→ Third Grade.

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him:

- I've kidnapped you.

She then wrote a note saying:

- I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.

The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said:

- How could you do this to a fellow blonde?

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks: Where are you from? I'm from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland. Of Course, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: Where in Ireland are you from? Dublin, comes the reply. I can't believe it, says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin. Of course, replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: What school did you go to? Saint Mary's, replies the second man. I graduated in 62. This is unbelievable! the first man says. I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too! About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender. Nothing much, replies the bartender. The O'Malley twins are drunk again.