Most viewed jokes

There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy:

- What are they doing?

He says:

- They're making love.

- Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there? - she asked.

- Oh, uh, that's his rope - he answered.

- Well, what are those two round things on the other end? - she asked.

He says:

- Those are his knots.

She says:

- Oh, ok, I got it.

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says:

- I want you to make love to me the way those animals were.

Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.

- Whoa, what are you doing?! - he shouts.

The girl innocently replies:

- I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!

Did you hear about the new automatic parachutes, invented by a blond?
→ They open on impact.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled:

- Pull, Nellie, pull!

Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered:

- Pull, Buster, pull!

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded:

- Pull, Coco, pull!

Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said:

- Pull, Buddy, pull!

And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

- Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!

- I'd love you to stay the night, but I'm afraid you'll have to make your own bed.

- Oh, that's all right, I don't mind at all.

- Right. Here's a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The wood's in the garage.

I have four legs, but only one foot. What am I?
→ A bed

What does an aardvark use when he has a cold?
→ An ant-ihistamine!

What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?

- I don't know!

- Well, you're not using my computer keyboard then!

I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

First draw the curve, then plot the data.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said:

- Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these.

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

- I'll give you a hint - said the teacher.

- It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time.

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted:

- Spit 'em out, they're assholes!

Do you know the difference between mono & herpes?
→ You get mono from snatching a kiss....