Most viewed jokes

- Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

- AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

- MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

- Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

- Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

- Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

- New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

- Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

- Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

- Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

- Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

- Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

- Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

- Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

- Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

- Nike virus: Just does it.

- Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

- Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

- Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads:

- Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy:

- What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!

To which the guy responds:

- Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!

- Can you make a pig shake?

- Tell him the wolf is coming.

- I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Your soup will be ready soon.

- What bait are you using?

The transatlantic liner was experiencing particularly heavy weather, and Mrs Jones wasn't feeling well.

- Would you care for some more supper, ma'am? - asked the steward.

- No, thanks - replied the wretched passenger.

- Just throw it overboard to save me the trouble.

There was a little old lady from a small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite.

- Everything's big in Texas ma'am - said the waitress.

The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen.

- I told you, ma'am, that everything is big in Texas - said the waitress.

On her way back to her suite, the old lady got lost in the vast corridors.
She opened the door of a darkened room and fell into an enormous swimming pool.

- Please! - she screamed.

- Don't flush it!

The tourist: "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?"

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses:

- I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days.

and Moses says:

- Yeah sure.

So Jesus gets up and says:

- I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one.

So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him. Moses then says:

- What's the problem?

and
Jesus says:

- I think its the holes in my feet!

Iraq has just ordered two thousand septic tanks from Russia.
As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive them, they are going to invade Iran.

A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single line which simply said:

- Is this a question? - Discuss.

After a short time he wrote:

- If that is a question, then this is an answer.

The student received an "A" on the exam.

A Boston brokerage house advertised for a "young Harvard graduate or the equivalent."

Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said:

- Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?