Most viewed jokes

17. "I finished the Oreo's."
18. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
19. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."
20. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."
21. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."
22. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
23. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
24. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
25. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
26. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
27. "Get your own ice cream."
28. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
29. "Got milk?"
30. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
31. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
32. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant..

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

There's a brunette walking down a set of railroad tracks saying:

- 21, 21, 21...

Then a blonde pulls up, gets out of her car, and says:

- What are you doing?

The brunette replies:

- Just counting.

The blonde says:

- May I join you?

- Yes, - replies the brunette.

So the blonde and the brunette are now both walking down the railroad tracks saying:

- 21, 21, 21...

A train comes and the brunette jumps off the tracks as the blonde gets hit. After the train passes, the brunette gets back on the tracks and says:

- 22, 22, 22...

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?
→ Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

- Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
→ A teddy boar!

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say:

- You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?

The desk clerk says:

- Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?

The person says:

- Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it.

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said:

- My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.

- Customer: I'm running Windows '95.

- Tech: Yes.

- Customer: My computer isn't working now.

- Tech: Yes, you said that.

Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen?
→ Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying:

- Lie to me, lie to me!

Vito and Vladimir

There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.

- Vladimir: Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?

- Vito: Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public.

- Vladimir: OK. It's a deal.

- Vito: You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When the women see it, they come running from miles around.

- Vladimir: That's it? I can do that.

The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women . . . and men began to notice him. "It's working, he thought." But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked:

- Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?

- Vito: Because you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!