Most viewed jokes

What do you call an ant who skips school?
→ A truant!

What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?
→ You get a short circut.

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area:

- It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

- Have you driven a Ford lately?

- Yeh, that's why I drive a Chevy!

On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.

A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.

Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked:

- But where is your husband?

- Jim? - the haggard woman said.

- Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

- Excuse me, - our man stammered, but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is.

- Yeah? So? - his hulking neighbor replied.

- Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts.

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

- OK, - the husband says gruffly, for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits.

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

- Well, come on already, kiss 'em! - he growls.

- I can't - replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

- Why not? - demands the husband, getting really angry now.

- I don't have ten thousand dollars!

Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
→ Toes Go In First.

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have:

• 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95
• and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

Simple...

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. - Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. - Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. - George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams