Most viewed jokes

What did the cannibal's parents say when she brought her boyfriend home?
→ 'Lovely, dear, he looks good enough to eat!'

Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back?
→ She crawled across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said:

- No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ.

Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said:

- I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.

So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said:

- Where is your sister?

They replied:

- We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read - 'Clarence 13'6"' - so we turned around and got the hell out of there!

For Chocolate Lovers:

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
→ Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess:

- I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

- One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying:

- I don't think so.

Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands:

- Can't your father do that?

Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies:

- Well, sure... but the bull can do it better.

Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex?
→ Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

There was a gay lad from Kartoume
Took a lesbian up to his room
Well, they argued all night
as to who had the right
To do what, with which and to whom

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask:

- So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you good?

- It's pretty nice - she replies.

- Except they won't let you fart!

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

- Please - protested the college President - you already make more than the entire History department.

- Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with - the coach blustered.

- Look.

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway.

- Run over to my office and see if I'm there - he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

- You're not there, sir - he reported.

- Oh, I see what you mean - conceded the President, scratching his head.

- I would have phoned.