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A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says:

- Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

- You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

- I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.

The new man asked:

- What happened?

- One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!

What do you call a gay Jewish person?
→ A He-Blew!

When He Says - He Really Means

• Do you have the time? - to go to bed
• Hello - Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
• How are you? - in bed, I mean.
• I'd like a discreet relationship. - I want sex, but I'm married.
• I'll be out of town for a few days. - I'll be spending time with with the wife.
• I'm a novelist. - I have 10 unpublished books.
• I'm coming off a long relationship. - My wife is divorcing me.
• I'm consulting. - I'm looking for a job.
• I'm divorced. - I just slipped off my wedding ring.
• I'm in television. - I fix them.
• I'm involved in banking. - I'm a bank guard.
• I'm self-employed. - I just got fired.
• I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. - I'm sorry I got caught.
• I'm thinking of relocating. - I can't find a job locally in this town.
• I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. - Be patient forever.
• I enjoy reading. - Playboy and Penthouse.
• I have the Midas touch. - I install mufflers.
• I like a woman who is intelligent. - As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
• I love opera. - I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
• I play the market. - Safeway
• I work high up in an executive office. - I'm a window washer.
• I work with computers. - I'm a cashier at a gas station.
• Looking for a satisfying relationship. - I want sex.
• My business is really hot right now! - I hand out towels in a steam room.
• My job keeps me running. - I'm a messenger.
• My wife and I are separated. - She's at home and I'm here at the bar.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks:

- So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?

The pirate replies:

- We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.

- Wow! - said the seaman.

- What about your hook?

- Well... - replied the pirate.

- We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off.

- Incredible! - remarked the seaman.

- How did you get the eye patch?

- A seagull dropping fell into my eye - replied the pirate.

- You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? - the sailor asked increduously.

- Well... - said the pirate.

- ..it was also my first day with the hook.

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

- INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

- GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

- INTERVIEWER: Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

- GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

- INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

- GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

- INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

- GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

What did the teacher say after spending thousands in the expensive hotel?
→ I'm sorry to leave, now that I've almost bought the place.

Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller?
→ He wanted to grow mash potatoes!

From the pilot during his welcome message:

- We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.

What is red and goes putt, putt, putt?
→ An outboard apple.