These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
→ You can park in handicapped zones.
Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said:
- It's part of my emergency repair kit.
Josh said:
- I can see that, but why?
Sally replied:
- In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires.
There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells:
- QUIT IT!
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says:
- Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says:
- By the way, what did the chicken do?
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
→ Hammerheads!
In Alaska's National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory:
- Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting suprise can be catastrophic.
To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence.
- Also - he said further - be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings.
One tourist asked:
- How do you identify bear droppings?
- Oh that's easy - the guide explained - its the ones with all the tiny bells in them!
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says:
- You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says:
- One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two.
The farmer is amazed.
- Exactly right - he says - How did you work that out so fast?
- Easy - says the accountant - I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."
Which aardvark holds the speed record?
→ The nearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle!
- Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?
- Certainly, Sir!
- Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
