Most viewed jokes

Ex-President Clinton is currently writing a new National Anthem.

It's called, "Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy."

Some useful descriptions of people you may come into contact with from day to day.

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
5. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
9. Fell out of the family tree.
10. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. He's so dense, the light bends around him.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
15. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
17. Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".
18. One burger short of a happy meal.

Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels

10. "The Man Who Died of Old Age"
11. "How Cujo Got His Groove Back"
12. "Here's Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon"
13. "Vacuumstarter"
14. "The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office"
15. "The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee --He Didn't Drink It, But What If He Did?"
16. "The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover"
17. "Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Friday's"
18. "Hi I'm Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons"
19. "Satan's Independent Prosecutor"

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
→ She gets her ass chewed out.

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
8. Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Broken Bag-O-Glass

- Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit

- Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook

- Timothy McVays home Chemistry set

- Switchblade Barney

- Pork-n-Beany Babies

- Make your own moonshine kit

- Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention". The leader says:

- We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her:

- What is 15 plus 15?

After 15 or 20 seconds she says:

- Eighteen!

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering:

- Give her another chance! Give her another chance!

The leader says:

- Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.

So he asks:

- What is 5 plus 5?

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says:

- Ninety?

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting:

- GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says:

- Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says:

- Four

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...:

- GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!

This lady approaches a priest and tells him:

- Father, I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.

- but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage.

- Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? - they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

- Waiter! Waiter! This salad is frozen solid.

- Yes, sir. It's the iceberg lettuce that does it.

- That crust on the apple pie was too tough.

- That wasn't the crust, that was the pie plate.