Most viewed jokes

- Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

- Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

This little snail bought a little car and took it to the body shop to have it painted. The service man asked him exactly what he wanted done, and the snail said he wanted little S's painted all around and all over his car. The service man asked him why, and the snail answered "When people see me in my car I want them to say, look at that S-Car-Go!"

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.

- Would you like to tell me your problem? - the pretty blonde receptionist asked.

- I'll need the information for the doctor.

- It's rather embarrassing - the guy stammered.

- You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection.

- Well, the doctor is very busy today - the receptionist cooed, but maybe I can squeeze you in.

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks:

- Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?

The business owner replies:

- That's the accountant I've been searching for.

What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
→ A yardvark!

What do you call an aardvark in a frying pan?
→ A lardvark!

Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
→ Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

- Knock Knock...

- Who's There?

- Boo...

- Boo Who?

- Stop crying it's just a joke!

True story: A friend's mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently:

- Gee, officer, did you pull me over to give me a ticket to the policemen's ball?

To that, he replied:

- No ma'am. We're Rangers! We don't have any balls! He continued to write down some information.

After about a half a minute, the ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered:

- Never mind. He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off - no ticket was issued.

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

- Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.

- Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?

- Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.

- Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

- Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

- Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

- Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.

- Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?

- Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says:

- Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads!