Most viewed jokes

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him:

- Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?

The man said:

- No.

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him:

- This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!

The man replied:

- Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.

- That's really sad - said Bob.

- but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?

- No - the man replied.

- they're all at the funeral!

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
→ He worked it out with a pencil...

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
→ They both have ornamental balls.

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said:

- Mmmmm, I smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said:

- Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.

The baby mole said:

- The only thing I can smell is molasses!

The blonde says to her friend:

- My boyfriend has the worst dandruff.

Her friend says:

- You should give him Head and Shoulders.

The blonde thinks for a minute and replies:

- how do you give shoulders?

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.

- Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."

- Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.

- Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.

- Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist

- Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.

- Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.

- Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.

- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

- Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.

- Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.

- Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.

- "Jaws of Life" in trunk.

- The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.

- When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"

- You realize too late that it is your father's Oldsmobile.

- Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.

- The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line:

- Where does you go to school?

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question:

- Yale - she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted:

- WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.

When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said:

- This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important.

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said:

- We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important.

The police said:

- It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important.

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "You can change those things?!"