Most viewed jokes

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

- Yes?

- Excuse me, sir - the jogger said.

- Do you have the time?

The man looked at the car clock and answered:

- 8:15.

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

- Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?

- 8:25!

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying:

- I do not know the time!

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

- Sir, sir? It's 8:45!.

Top 10 Reasons No One Wants to go into Space with John Glenn again:

10. The horror of seeing the effects of G-Forces on wrinkles.
11. Kept using the Hubble to find his glasses.
12. Everytime he sneezed, his teeth flew out.
13. Forgot where he was each morning, kept grabbing for Scott while calling him "Annie".
14. Constantly complaining about being "Stiff all over" while eyeing Chiaki.
15. Couldn't get him to stop doing the "Viagra" experiment.
16. When warned:

- There's a Meteor Shower ahead - he thought they said:

- Shower cause he'd peed the bed.

3. Couldn't seem to ever attach his urinal bag properly.
4. There's a real good reason why we call old men "Old Farts".
5. The Prunetang worked, but the Depends didn't.

What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?
→ A self cleaning coven!

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.

- You can't make any noise - she warns him.

- My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder.

- I have to go - he says.

- Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom - she replies.

- Use the kitchen sink.

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks...:

- Do you have any toilet paper?

"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only extravagance I have!"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

- OK, follow me, - he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

- Now, do you see that tree over there? - he asked.

- YES, YES, YES!! - the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

- Good! - said the first bat.

- Because I fucking didn't!

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms.

The second no legs.

And the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:

- Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, his lungs burned for lack of oxygen, his heart pounding so hard he felt like it would burst out of his chest. Then suddenly, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed:

- Dear Lord! Please give this bear some religion!

The skies darkened, and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, kneeled and said:

- Thank you, Lord, for this food I'm about to receive...

Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!

- They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.

- You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.

- They last longer and come with a warranty.

- You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.

- They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.

- They come in fashion colors.

- You can keep them in maximum zoom.

- They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.

- The parts that count are portable.

- They don't mind over-exposure.

- They respond to the slightest touch.

- The one you want is available at a KMART near you

Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Bike helmets. They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Copiers. You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

Lava lamps. Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

Bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Curling irons. They're always hot and always in your hair.

Mini skirts. If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

Handguns. Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

Floor tiles. Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.