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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says:

- I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

- Is your bet still good? - asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says:

- If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?.

The Irishman replies:

- Oh...

- I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news." "Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet." "Gosh, and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed!

- Dad! - says Johnny

- What are you doing!

Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says:

- Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card.

- Oh - says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away!

- Ernie! - cried Johnny

- What are you doing!.

Ernie stops humping for a second and says:

- Well... I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard.

- Oh - says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was going out of style!

- Johnny! - his father said

- I see you're playing poker, but where's your wildcard?

Johnny replies:

- With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says:

- Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off.

And Sarah says:

- Can you just jack off? I have a headache!

Drink

- 17: beer

- 25: bourbon

- 35: vodka

- 48: double vodka

- 66: Maalox

Seduction Line

- 17: My parents are away for the weekend.

- 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

- 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.

- 48: My wife is away for the weekend.

- 66: My second wife is dead.

Favorite Sport

- 17: sex

- 25: sex

- 35: sex

- 48: sex

- 66: napping

Definition of a Successful Date

- 17: "tongue"

- 25: "breakfast"

- 35: She didn't set back my therapy.

- 48: I didn't have to meet her kids.

- 66: Got home alive.

Favorite Fantasy

- 17: getting to third

- 25: airplane sex

- 35: menage a trois

- 48: taking the company public

- 66: Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?

- 17: 25

- 25: 35

- 35: 48

- 48: 66

- 66: 17

Ideal Date

- 17: Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

- 25: Split the check before we go back to my place

- 35: Just come over.

- 48: Just come over and cook.

- 66: Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

- Both look stupid in hats.

- Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

- Both tend to have "hip" problems.

- Neither understand football.

- Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

- Neither believe that silence is golden.

- Both constantly want back rubs.

- Neither can balance a checkbook.

- You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

- Both put too much value on kissing.

How Women Are Better Than Dogs

- It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

- Women look good in sweaters.

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded:

- I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door.

Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed:

- Get the hell away!

Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said:

- Yes!

The man replied:

- Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said:

- That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?

The man looked up helplessly and said:

- The balcony!