Most viewed jokes

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend:

- Hey, why don't you try this ball.

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.

- Use this one - You can't lose it!

His friend replies:

- What do you mean you can't lose it?!!

The first man replies:

- I'm serious, you can't lose it.

- If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says:

- Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?

The man replies:

- I found it.

(Think about it... it'll come to you :)

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. - Arthur C. Clarke
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders? - Friedrich Nietzsche
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. - Peter OToole

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

- Would you mind telling me, Doctor - she asked.

- how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?

- Nothing is easier - he replied.

- You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.

- What sort of question?

- Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh:

- You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.

Why is a modem better than a woman?
→ A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.

- Why does your sign say "Fine Dining"?

- We can dream, can't we?

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder.
The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.

- But doctor, you don't understand - they said:

- Dad hasn't walked in over a year!

Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
→ He wanted something to get his teeth into.

To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.

- Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- What sort of trouble?

- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Went away?

- They disappeared.

- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- How do I tell?

- Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

- What's a sea-prompt?

- Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- What's a monitor?

- It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- I don't know.

- Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

- Yes, I think so.

- Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

- ... ... Yes, it is.

- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- No.

- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

- ... ... Okay, here it is.

- Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- I can't reach.

- Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

- No.

- Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.

- Dark?

- Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Well, turn on the office light then.

- I can't.

- No? Why not?

- Because there's a power outage.

- A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Really? Is it that bad?

- Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a torch in her ear!