Most viewed jokes

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The first says:

- I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.

The second can't stand to be bested:

- Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today.

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the Seattle-Tacoma airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded:

- I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.

What do u call a black priest?
→ Holy shit!!

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:

- Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?

After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered:

- I guess you'd be eating alone!

Did you hear about the blonde that...

- Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

- Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".

- Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

- When asked what the capital of California was answered "C".

- Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

- After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells:

- No, honey, don't do it.

The blond replies:

- Shut up, you're next.

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion:

- Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was:

- F.F.

His wife turned to him and answered:

- E.F.

Out on the highway, he said:

- F.F.

She responded simply:

- E.F.

He repeated:

- F.F.

She again replied:

- E.F.

- Mom! Dad! - their son yelled.

- What's going on?

Bad Bernie answered:

- Your mother wants to eat first!

How does an octopus go to war?
→ Well-armed!

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone:

- June.

- Yes, this is June.

- Will you marry me?

- Of course I will! Who's this?