Most viewed jokes

What do you call a pickled aardvark?
→ A jarredvark!

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Got this email from a friend:

CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote:

- I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said:

- I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aardvark

- Aardvark who?

- Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles!

Have You heard about the new Divorce Barbie Doll?
→ It comes with all of Ken's stuff!

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost fucking impossible!

You might be a redneck if. . .

- You think harass is two words.

- You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.

- Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.

- Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

- You have more dogs than the local shelter.

- You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.

- Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
→ When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
→ It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

Why did God invent armadillos?
→ So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell!

Definition of an Arkansas Virgin: A girl who can run faster than her brothers.

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said:

- I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.

The second woman said:

- My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.

The third woman was silent until she was asked:

- Tell us about your husband.

She thought for a moment and said:

- My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.

- How so?

- He's got his time down to under 40 seconds.

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover:

- Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!

The boy replies back:

- Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors.