Most viewed jokes

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him:

- do you think we'll ever find them?

He said:

- I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said:

- Oh Jack, give me a pint o'the brandy.

- Sister Mary Katherine, I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life! - exclaimed Jack.

- Oh Jack, it's only for the Mother Superior - she responded.

Her voice dropped:

- It helps her constipation, you know.

So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering.

Jack pushed through and exclaimed:

- Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! and you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied:

- And so it is, me lad, so it is...

When she sees me, she's gonna crap herself!

Yo mama so fat when she step on da scale it says to be continued

A blonde wanted to sell her old car, but nobody wished to buy a car with 250,000 miles on it. So, she tells her brunette girlfriend at the salon about her problem, and the brunette suggests she take the car to a mechanic friend of hers, who will turn the meter back by 200,000 miles. The blonde thinks this is a sound suggestion and does so.

About a month later, the brunette sees her blonde girlfriend in a store and says:

- Did you ever sell your car?

- No - says the blonde.

- Why should I? It's only got 50,000 miles on it.

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said:

- Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.

- We don't have any. - replied the first blonde.

- Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses.

- But officer - replied the second blonde.

- We aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line.

- Well, I know of no law against it - said the warden.

- take all the debris you want. And with that, he left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

- What a dumb cop - the second blonde said to the other two.

- doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says:

- I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says:

- I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.

- Why not? - giggles the woman.

- Good - he replies.

- Get your own blanket.

A firefighter died and went to hell where he finds a wall of clocks.

After seeing all these clocks on a wall, with his friends names under them, he asked the devil, what the clocks mean?

- That's easy, each time one of your friends mess up on earth, their clock speeds up one hour. - says the devil.

- I don't see the Chiefs clock anywhere? - the fireman says.

The devil replied:

- Oh him, we have his down in the basement, we're using it for a fan.

What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
→ Michael Jackson's hand!!