Most viewed jokes

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?
→ That the nail had come out of the wall.

What do you call an alien starship that drips water?
→ A crying saucer!

How do you kill a blue elephant?
→ With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
→ Twist his nose until he turns blue and then use the blue elephant gun.

- Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

- Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

- Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

- After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

- Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

- If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

- Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

- If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

- When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems, my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure. The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guy walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks.

The next night the same guy and the same thing happens. The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes outside and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying.

The bartender says:

- O.K. you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.

The cowboy said:

- I told him my privates are bigger than his.

'O.K. but how did you make him cry?'

The cowboy replied:

- I proved it to him.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why don't lobsters share?
→ They're shellfish.

Was the principal's brother really a missionary?
→ He certainly was. He gave the people of the Cannibal Islands their first taste of Christianity!

Why did the banana go out with the prune?
→ Because he couldn't find a date.