Most viewed jokes

Where is the best place to buy computer software?
→ Washington C.D

Comments made by Programmers when their programs don't work:

- Strange...

- I've never heard about that.

- It did work yesterday.

- Well, the program needs some fixing.

- How is this possible?

- The machine seems to be broken.

- Has the operating system been updated?

- The user has made an error again.

- There is something wrong in your test data.

- I have not touched that module!

- Yes yes, it will be ready in time.

- You must have the wrong executable.

- Oh, it's just a feature.

- I'm almost ready.

- Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.

- It will be done in no time at all.

- It's just some unlucky coincidence.

- I can't test everything!

- THIS can't do THAT.

- Didn't I fix it already?

- It's already there, but it has not been tested.

- It works, but it's not been tested.

- Somebody must have changed my code.

- There must be a virus in the application software.

- Even though it does not work, how does it feel?

- How come you didn't find it during the system testing?

- It's a setup problem.

And the Ultimate:
A smart user would never do that!

The young lad had applied for a job, and was asked his full name.

- Aloysius Montmorency Geoghan - he replied.

- How do you spell that? - asked the manager.

- Er — sir — er — can't you just put it down without spelling it?

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
→ Great food but no atmosphere.

Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?
→ So men can understand them.

What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
→ Lipstick

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale:

- Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female:

- lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

- Look - she said.

- I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip.

As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED.

He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad. All of sudden, there was a knock at the door.

Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa --filled with rage-- threw open the door.

Standing there was a little angel who said:

- Hi Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas Tree?

Hence...the story of the Angel atop the tree.

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names.

As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules

1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Graffiti rules

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations (X = occupied, . = empty):
X......
X.....
X X..
X..
X X.X.X.X
XXX.
X.X
XXX
XXXXXXX
These are only acceptable when significant "privacy" dividers are available. If the urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.

12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.

Toilet rules

15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.

Special cases

18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
    a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
    b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
    c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.

- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

- The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

- I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

- Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

- The patient refused an autopsy.

- The patient has no past history of suicides.

- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

- Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

- The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.