Most viewed jokes

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

- FREE PUPPIES: PART COCKER SPANIEL - PART SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

- GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN -89 cents lb.

- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

- COMMUNITY HEADLINE: ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER!

- GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

• Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.
• Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.
• Using a 1S-2D floppy for brains in a world of hard disks.
• Vacancy on the top floor.
• Vacuuming linoleum using a deep-pile setting.
• Vertically-fornicated mind.
• Views mold as a higher life form.
• Warranty expired.
• Was born an acrobat but landed on his head.
• Was born when the planets were misaligned.
• Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
• Was napping in the nut pile the day God was cracking nuts.
• Wasn't abused as a child, but should have been.
• Wasn't strapped in during launch.
• Watches "Beavis and Butthead" to learn vocabulary.
• Watching programs not listed in TV Guide.
• We're all missing cards from our decks -- and different cards, too.
• Went in for repairs but wasn't tightened with a torque wrench.
• Went to the dentist to have his cranial cavity filled.
• When he was compiled they forgot to #include [smarts.h]/[iq.h]/[charm.h].
• When they handed out brains he got the short end of the stick.
• When they said "drain", he thought they said "brain".
• Whole lotta choppin', but no chips a flyin'.
• Wise as the world is flat.
• With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
• Won't eat eggs because he believes the "This is your brain" ads.
• Would make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
• Wouldn't make any sense if she ever made sense.
• Zero K memory

What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up!

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk. He replied:

- Who said that?!

Once again he heard the same thing:

- Jesus is watching you!

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was.

The parrot replied:

- Cornelius.

The robber said:

- What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!

The parrot said:

- The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!

How did the rainbow know is was lost?
→ It was a clear day

- I thought the meals here were supposed to be like mother used to make.

- They are. She couldn't cook either.

Ya see, we at Microsoft believe in making computing easier! What could be easier for consumers than having only ONE choice of software?!?

One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says:

- I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'

- But why? - asks the man.

- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies!

How did the dairy queen get pregnant?
→ The burger king showed her his whopper!!!