Most viewed jokes

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says:

- Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks:

- What did you do?

The woman says:

- I committed adultery.

The priest says:

- How many times?

And the woman replies:

- Three.

Priest:

- Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says:

- Father forgive me for I have sinned.

- What did you do?

- I committed adultery.

- How many times?

- Three times.

The priest says:

- Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says:

- Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The rabbi says:

- What did you do?

The woman replies:

- I committed adultery.

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says:

- How many times?

The woman replies:

- Once.

The rabbi said:

- Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

- You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.

- Oh yes dear, what happened ?

- I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

- Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them ?

- Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off.

Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair?
→ She wanted to rock and roll

What do you call a Sleeping Bull?
→ A Bull-Dozer!

- Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.

- Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his shoes.

- Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the center, and flushes the one on the right.

- Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.

- Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.

- Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.

- Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full condition.

- Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.

- Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his penis is so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to pull his member out of his pants. Gets pubic hair caught up in his zipper.

- Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirttail.

- Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great flourish.

- Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how many bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating around in the water. Has never really grown up.

- Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or garbage can.

- Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.

- Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guy's organ.

- Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with his free hand.

- Playful: Spots a friend's shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim accordingly.

- Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and pisses on shoes.

- Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands as he leaves with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as he is sitting down.

- Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the man next to him will be blamed.

- Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.

- Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes the urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left the restroom.

- Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.

- Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick inspection.

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in.

- Follow me - he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious.

- If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there.

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.

- Why is it so god damn cold down here? - Pete asks.

- Well you just try bending down for firewood!! - The devil replied.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
→ So she wouldn't get Hearing Aids.

What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?
→ Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

- You can't get out of your room? - the captain asked.

- Why not?

The stewardess replied:

- There are only three doors in here, - she sobbed.

- one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!

This little boy is visiting the zoo with his father. They stop to have a look at an elephant and the kid just stares at it in fascination. Eventually he asks his father:

- Dad, what's that thing hanging down?

- That's the elephant's trunk - replies his father.

"No, I mean at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's penis."

"That's funny," mused the little boy, "Last time we were here, Mum told me it was nothing."

"Well," said the smiling father, "You have to remember that your mother is a very spoilt woman."