Most viewed jokes

- Sir you haven't touched your custard.

- I'm just waiting for the fly to stop using it as a trampoline!

- Waiter, look at this chicken! It's nothing but skin and bones.

- Would you like the feathers, too?

What command does the aardvark give most often when he sails?
→ Snout about!

- Helpline? I've just pushed a piece of bacon into my disk drive!

- Has the computer stopped working?

- No, but there's a lot of crackling.

Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me...
My husband ran off with his secretary,
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My Dad told me he's gay,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane, crash landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please....

DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!

AMEN

A programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor.
So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for the Enter....

What's better than winning 4 gold medals at the special olympics?
→ Not being retarded!

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

- Ah - said the doctor

- Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.

- Oh - said Her Majesty.

- Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable.

Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open and you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex.

- Goodness Gracious! - shrieked Her Majesty

- I demand an explanation of this kind of sordid goings- on!

- Ah - said the Doctor

- same problem - better health plan.

Why do Lawyers smell?
→ So the blind can hate them, too!

So, the chicken and the egg were in bed, the chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette, and says "Well, I guess that answers THAT question!!!"

A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and "the boys" soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said:

- You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, I've been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it.

So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.

The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said:

- I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?

To which our young friend replied:

- Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!