Most viewed jokes

What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
→ The warning label.

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp.
Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated:

- I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.

The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said:

- I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east.

The genie responded:

- Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.

The programmer then said:

- Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes

Genie:

- Uh, let me see that map again.

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.
After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment:

- The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.

- Well, sir - the attendant replied with a grin.

- You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now..

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister:

- Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
→ Because it's too far to walk!

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

- Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

- Wow - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

- I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

- I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

A blonde travels to Canada to seek her fortune as a lumberjack. She meets a foreman of a logging organization who offers to give her a job. - Now, I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day - the foreman told her. The blonde woman didn't see this as a problem, so she went out with the Chainsaw and did her best. She came back drenched in sweat.

- Geez lady, how many trees did you cut down? - asked the foreman.

- 6 - she replied.

- What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow!

So she did. Out she went with the chainsaw, she came back that night exhausted.

- How many this time? - asked the foreman.

- 12 - she said.

The foreman says:

- That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning!

The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says:

- This is how to cut down trees really quickly.

He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUUUMMM. He notices the blonde is looking at him frantically, so he asks her what's wrong. And she replies:

- What the hell is that noise?

A blonde guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blonde guy turns to the girl and angrily says:

- Alright. Who's the other father!