Most viewed jokes

What is a computer virus?
→ A terminal illness.

Why did the witch lose her way?
→ Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
→ Because 7 8 9!

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life:

- When it all boils done to the essence of truth - the philosopher said, one must live by a dog's rule of life:

- If you can't eat it or fuck it...

PISS ON IT!

Why'd the chicken cross the road?
→ He was attached to Dennis Rodman's head!

When is the best time to fake an orgasm?
→ When a rotteweiler is f**king your leg.

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys:

• one tin of beans
• one bag of chips
• one pack of burgers
• one tub of ice cream
• one cake
• one case of beer
• one pint of milk.

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The guy replies sarcastically:

- Yes. However did you guess?

The girl replies:

- Simple...

- You are one ugly bastard!

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

- Who is it? - calls one of the nuns.

- Blind man - replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

- Nice butt, sister - says the man:

- where do you want these blinds?

A Polak is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him:

- Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggrevation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.

So the Polak takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.

- How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords? - the Polak asks himself.

- I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day - the Polak tells himself.

So, the next morning the Polak gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords.

The Polak is convinced this is a bad saw.

- The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer - the Polak says to himself.

The very next day the Polak brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Polak's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says:

- Huh, it looks fine.

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Polak responds:

- What's that noise?

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouts across the garage:

- Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute!

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively:

- So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic...

- Now try doing it with the engine running!