Most viewed jokes

What do mice do when they're at home ?
→ Mousework !

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other:

- I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.

- Odd - her companion replied - but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

- Two dogs, please - said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously:

- What part did you get?

Children's worst book titles!

• You Were an Accident
• Strangers Have the Best Candy
• The Little Sissy Who Snitched
• Some Kittens Can Fly!
• Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
• Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
• Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
• The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Animals of North America-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
• All Dogs Go to Hell
• The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
• When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It
• Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
• What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
• Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
• Bi-Curious George
• Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
• You Are Different and That's Bad
• Dad's New Wife Gerald
• Pop! Goes The Hamster-And Other Great Microwave Games
• Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets
• The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
• Babar Meets the Taxidermist
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
• Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
• The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead
• How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
• Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl:

- Nothing but the best for my little kitten.

The girl at the cash register said:

- I'm sorry, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat & brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store & bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated, she went home, came back & brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:

- No - you might have a snake in there.

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So, the cashier put her finger into the box & pulled it out & told the little old lady:

- That smells like crap.

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear:

- Now, my dear, can I please buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?

"I'm going fishing."
→ Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."
→ Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."
→ Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
→ Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."
→ Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
→ Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
→ Really mean absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."
→ Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"
→ Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."
→ Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."
→ Really means "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
→ Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."
→ Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
→ Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."
→ Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."
→ Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
→ Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
→ Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
→ Really means "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
→ Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."
→ Really means "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."
→ Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."
→ Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?"
→ Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."
→ Really means "I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."
→ Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
→ Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."
→ Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
→ Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house."
→ Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
→ Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
→ Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
→ Really means "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
→ Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
→ Really means "She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
→ Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
→ Really means "You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
→ Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
→ Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
→ Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
→ Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."
→ Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
→ Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
→ Really means "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
→ Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
→ Really means "I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
→ Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
→ Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
→ Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."
→ Really means "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
→ Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
→ Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
→ Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her."
→ Really means "She dumped me."

Tips for Moving South...

Yee-Haw!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, Have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks, and where buildings used to stand, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!

What goes cackle, cackle, boom?
→ A witch in a minefield.

- Waiter, waiter, there's a hand in my soup.

- That's not your soup, sir, that's your finger bowl.