A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her:
- Do you want them mounted?
Blushing, she said:
- No. Holding hands will be fine.
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE...
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Yesterday my daughter and I drove to the babysitters house to pick up my two-year old son. We were about to get in the car to go home when I noticed a baby birds in a nest in a nearby bush.
I gently picked up one of the birds to show my daughter and my son:
- See? It's a baby - I said, trying to calm down my son, who was scared of the little bird.
- I don't want a baby, I don't want a baby - he was saying.
- He sounds just like his father - my daughter replied!
- I'm sure I'm right.
- You're as right as rain - all wet!
How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Only one Arian, but an awful lot of light bulbs.
(smash)
How many Arians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says:
- Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?
The man gets really indignant and says:
- Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
→ A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
- You know - he says, - I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt.
His friend says:
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
- While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt.
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
- So did anything happen?
- I have some bad news for you - says the friend.
- The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.
- Then what happened? - says the man.
- I don't know. It was too dark to see.
- Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt.
