Most viewed jokes

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides:

- What the heck, I really want a drink.

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy:

- What's the name of your penis?

- Guy: Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.

- Waiter: I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.

The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks:

- Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?

- Other customer: Timex!

- First guy: Why Timex?

- Other guy: Because it takes a lickin and keeps on tickin!

A little shaken, he turns to the guy on his right.

- First guy: What's the name of your penis?

- Second guy: Ford! Because quality is job #1! Have you driven a Ford lately?

Even more shaken, he thinks a little more and finally thinks of a name for his penis.

- Guy: Bartender! The name of my penis is 'Secret'!

- Waiter: (pouring beer) Why 'Secret'?

- Guy: (proudly) Because it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill.

He walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

- Yes? - she inquires with a knowing smile, - can I help you?

- I was wondering - whispers the man - are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?

- Yes - she purrs - indeed I am!

The man replies:

- Well go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments:

- You look terrible. What's the problem?

- My mother died in June, and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough.

- Then in July, my father died, leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month, nothing!

Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.

Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class:

It is always darkest...
→ Just before you flunk a test.

There is nothing new...under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with...a private jet.

A committee of three...gets things done when they are not fighting.

If you can't stand the heat...try Antarctica.

Better late than...absent.

A rolling stone...may dent the floor.

If at first you don't succeed...live with it.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry...and then blow your nose.

A bird in the hand is....better than a woodpecker on your head.

Early to bed, early to rise...and you will get the best cereal.

Two heads...are pretty scary.

It is better to light a candle than...to light a bomb.

A miss is as good as...a mister.

A penny saved...is not a lot.

Don't burn your bridges...or you'll fall in the lake.

Haste makes...sweat

What type of music do lightning bolts listen to?
→ Rock and Roll

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

- Officer: May I see your driver's license?

- Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

- Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

- Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

- Officer: The car is stolen?

- Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

- Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

- Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

- Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

- Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

- Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

- Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

- Captain: Who's car is this?

- Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

- Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

- Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

- Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

- Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

- Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

- Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.

Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!

A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall.

- Oh, dear - he said - whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set.

- Don't worry - said his friend.

- I'll get a pair from my brother for you.

The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly.

- This is wonderful - said the man.

- Your brother must be a very good dentist.

- Oh, he's not a dentist - replied the friend.

- he's an undertaker.

How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ It's not a bulb, it's a globe.