Most viewed jokes

- Waiter, waiter, there's a hand in my soup.

- That's not your soup, sir, that's your finger bowl.

What does a proud computer call his little son?
→ A microchip off the old block.

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said:

- Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go.

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied:

- Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?

Looking slightly puzzled, God said:

- Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said:

- I think I'll try Hell first.

So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air.

- This is great - he thought.

- If this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven.

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

- So, how is everything going? - God asked.

Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment:

- This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

- That was the demo - replied God.

What creature has the best aptitude for engineering?
→ The spider -- It has its own website.

- School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis?

- Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said:

- What are you doing?

She said:

- I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile.

And the guy responded:

- Pedofile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old!

What do you call a bunch of blondes in a basement?
→ A whine cellar

Boss asks secretary:

- Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?

- No - says the secretary.

- Great, Let's do lunch. - the boss says.

World's Worst Pick-up Lines...

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

Excuse me, do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into that cheap motel room.

The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

- Guy: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Girl: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Two secretaries were talking about their work.

- I hate filing - said one. No matter how careful I am, I can never find the papers I'm looking for. I forget where I have filed them.

- I used to have that problem too, but no more - her blonde friend said. Now I make 26 copies of everything I type and file one under each letter of the alphabet. That way, I can't miss it!