Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks:
- Where ya going boy?
The son smiled and replied:
- I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue.
The Father said:
- When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern.
- Sure Pa, I know. - the boy said.
- And look what you got!
Did you hear about the TV show with FBI agents and witches?
→ It's called The Hex-Files.
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says:
- We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers:
- God Save The Queen and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers:
- Viva La France and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers:
- Remember the Alamo and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:
- Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.
He looks at her and says angrily:
- Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.
- Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.
To which he replied:
- Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.
- Fine - she says:
- Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.
- I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps - he says.
- Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
- Honey, how'd this all get fixed?
She said:
- Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.
He said:
- So, what kind of cake did you bake him?
She replied:
- Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?
What's the last thing a gay mortician does before he goes home?
→ Sucks down a cold one!
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out:
- WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!
How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.
