Most viewed jokes

Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
→ Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.

You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of a long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom don't you believe? Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.

Where did the Easter Bunny go to college?
→ Johns Hopkins!

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says:

- Hey, I see what your problem is!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

- How is she now?

- She's fine. But, the dog died.

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:

- Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

- I sure did - responded the pessimist.

- He can't swim.

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him:

- So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?

- Not scared ... - Benny growled - been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now

- Oh yeah? ... so ...?

- Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it - Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

- And since dat time I gotta do it dis way

- But WHY?! - Louie finally demanded?

- Well, I was at da wedding - grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...

- Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.

He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole.
Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound.
So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.

The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.

He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.

He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him:

- How deep is this hole?

The farmer said:

- Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends.

- Say, have you seen my prize goat?

The man, not wanting to get the blame, said:

- No.

The farmer said:

- Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.