Most viewed jokes

What did the bird say when his cage fell apart?
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Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement, he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they weren't hot.

Olie replied:

- We come from Minnesota where it's always cold. This is feeling pretty good to us.

This upset the Devil, so he turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on it again.

- You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us.

The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their winter clothes on. The Devil couldn't understand what was going on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what the deal was. Sven replied:

- We are Minnesotans and we just got over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.

A light flickered in the Devil's mind. He went to the thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their actions and Sven said happily:

- Back home they always said, the Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!

What's the national bird of Iraq?
→ DUCK!

What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
→ You shout out, "B-52"

The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that:
Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.
Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.

Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
→ Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?
→ They both can look out of their window and see rubble!

Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
→ Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
→ A refund.

Who is an Iraqi Hero?
→ He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.

An old man went into confession and told the priest:

- Father, I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice.

- I see - said the priest.

- When was the last time you were in confession?

- Never, Father - replied the old man.

- I'm Jewish

- So why are you telling me?

- I'm telling everybody!

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her:

- I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition. You have to have sex with me when I ask.

She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.

Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells:

- STOWAWAY!

Scared she explains:

- Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!

- No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.

- Leave only one quart of milk - she said.

- Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says:

- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way.

The doc said:

- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says:

- You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.

He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says:

- Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!

Yo mamma is so fat, her husband has to stand up in bed each morning to see if it's daylight.

How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb