Most viewed jokes

Yo mama's like the sun you look at her to long you will go blind!

A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs:

- The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!

The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders.

So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him:

- Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it...

A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave man, - said the dentist.

- Now, show me which tooth it is.

The husband turns to his wife and says:

- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

For those of you who may need it...

A Prayer for the Stressed!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....

- 12% on Monday

- 23% on Tuesday

- 40% on Wednesday

- 20% on Thursday

- 5% on Fridays

And help me to remember ...

When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.

Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.

Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said:

- I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?! Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend:

- Harry!.... Harry!...where are you?

Harry yells:

- I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!

Fred screams back.....

- DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!

your mama so fat she was going to walmart tripped over kmart and landed right on target!!!

How many Taureans does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ One, but just try to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

- Oh my, I am so sorry - the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

- Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you.

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!

- You know - he said.

- you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

- No - she replies.

- you just happened to catch my eye.

Why did the ghost go to the funfair.
→ He wanted to go on the rollerghoster.

It was well known that a certain lake was very poor for fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice that one guy kept coming home with his limit of fish on several occations. He asked the guy:

- How is it that you are catching fish out of that lake when no one else can?

The guy replied:

- Well I am going back up there tommorow, why don't you come along? And, so the warden did. They were in the boat when the fisherman reached over and lit a stick of dynamite and then tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There were fish floating to the surface all over! The game warden freaked out, and said:

- You can't do that! That's illeagal! The fisherman reached over and lit another stick and said:

- Are you going to fish, or talk?