How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb
How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.
How do you know when you are in bed with a witch?
→ She has a big "W" embroidered on her pyjamas!
- How come the Board of Health hasn't come in and closed you up?
- They're afraid to eat here.
What is the first thing off the truck at a trailer fire?
→ Lawn chair.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:
- You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!
The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the Recreational Director said:
- If I prove to you how well behaved they are, will you let them in?
The General Director agreed.
The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational Director shouted:
- Stand up, nuts!
Everyone stood up.
- Sit down, nuts!
Everyone sat down.
- Look behind you, nuts!
Everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that someone had called out:
- Peanuts!
When driving through fog what should you use?
→ Your car!
A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.
- Hello, hello, hello! - he screamed at them.
- Aren't you talking to me? - his missus snapped.
A man was complaining to a friend:
- I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!
- What happened? - asked the friend.
- My wife found out.
