Most viewed jokes

A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.

- Did god make you? - she asked.

- yes - he answered.

- did god makeme, to? - she wondered.

- yes - he replied.

- well, she shrugged - don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6. You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a crossdresser
Worse: He looks better than you

Guess what? You're pregnant!

A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."

- My wife's gone to the West Indies.

- J'ya make'er?

- No, Barbados.

What's coming but never comes?
→ Tomorrow!

A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says:

- You can't patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!

And the farmer says:

- Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it!

So the patent officer takes a bite, and then:

- Oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like blackberry pie!

And the farmer says:

- Yeah, and do you like vanilla ice cream? Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side.

So the patent officer does and he's like:

- Man! That really does taste like vanilla ice cream! I can't believe it!

So then the farmer looks around a bit and lowers his voice almost to a whisper, and says:

- Psst! Have you ever tasted pussy?

- Oh yeah, I've eaten plenty of pussy!

- And you like it, right?

- Yeah I LOVE the taste of pussy - says the patent officer, starting to get excited.

The farmer says:

- OK, then take a bite, right there

So the patent officer takes this HUGE bite, and then his eyes widen & he spits it out all over the place.

- Oh, Yuck! That tasted like SHIT! - & the farmer says:

- shoot,... I'm sorry, flip it over & try the other side!

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks:

- What do you like best about it?

- The artwork - says Robert.

- Very good. And you, Peter?

- Tits!

- Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?

- I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving.

Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.

- Woman: Quick! My husband is back!

Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think:

- Shit! But I am the husband!