Most viewed jokes

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained:

- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

- Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH! - she screamed.

- Funny - he muttered.

- you even sound exactly like her.

YO MAMA IS SO FAT WHEN YOU GO AROUND HER YOU GET LOST!

A distraught mum rushed into the back yard, where eight-year-old Tommy was banging on the bottom of an old upturned tin bath with a poker:

- What do you think you're doing? - she demanded.

- I'm just entertaining the baby - explained Tommy.

- Where is the baby? - asked his Mum.

- Under the bath.

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Songs to program by...

Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.

What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?

Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.

Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me
At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody ...

Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.

Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:

- Write in C.

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:

- Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.

Try using it for graphics!

Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.

Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.

Write in C.

Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!

Something in the way it coredumps...

I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.

Stepping in the debugger will show me...

I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?

I don't know, I don't know...

What sequence causes it to blow?

I don't know, I don't know...

Something in the initializing code?

And all I have to do is think of it!

Something in the listing will show me...

I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said:

- Dad look what I made.

So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed. The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said:

- I only asked for a convertable.

The dad replied:

- the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

- Oh, I really don't care or mind, - said the waiter with a smile.

- We don't even have an air conditioner.

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.

- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

- Duplos will not.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- Super glue is forever.

- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

- Pool filters do not like Jello.

- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

- Plastic toys do not like ovens.

- Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

- It will however make cats dizzy.

- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

- 2:00 AM is not a good time to hear:

- Daddy, diapers don't flush!

- No time is a good time to hear:

- Daddy, your tires are 'hisssssing.'

- You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof.

- Nor do you want to hear:

- Your new cell phone doesn't work underwater.

- Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!

- Never light fireworks inside.

- Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.

- Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.

- Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good.

- Bugs are not a dietary supplement.

- Walnuts make the blender act funny.

- Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.

- Collecting things is good.

- Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.

- Eating string is a bad hobby.

- Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.

- Finger painting is good.

- Finger painting walls is dangerous.

- If you hear the words:

- Can ya eat a lizard's tail? It's too late!

- If you hear the words:

- Guess what's in my hands. You don't want to know.

- If you hear the words:

- Guess what's in my mouth. You REALLY don't want to know!

- 'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence.

- The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.

- Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper without choking.

- Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.

- Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?" means 'prepare for bad news'.

- Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.

- Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea.

- Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt.

- Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.

- Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.

- "Why do fish float?" means trouble.

- Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..." is never a good sign.

- Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood.

- Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.

- Cats get even.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day she saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady.

She paused and said:

- Yes?

and the bird said:

- You know.

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says:

- See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!

John replies:

- Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays.