The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
- Private - the officer said
- I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.
- Warehouses? - the private shouted.
- I thought you said whorehouses!
Yo mama is so fat...that when she wore a blue and green sweater, everyone thought she was Planet Earth
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound. He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound. He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him:
- How deep is this hole?
The farmer said:
- Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?
The man, not wanting to get the blame, said:
- No.
The farmer said:
- Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
- Last night I made love to my wife four times - the Frenchman bragged.
- and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.
- Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times - the Italian responded.
- and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked:
- And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?
- Once - he replied.
- Only once? - the Italian arrogantly snorted.
- And what did she say to you this morning?
- Don't stop.
Yo Mama's so fat that when she sits on the beach, whales swim up to her and sing "We are family...!"
yo mama so fat that when she puts on her yellow rain coat and walks down the street people shout out cab!
A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.
The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.
The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.
The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.
The bartender, his plans foiled, asks:
- You don't want the usual?
She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head:
- No. Coors makes my pussy sore!
One day there was a pregnant woman who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.
The first child who was a girl came to the mother and said:
- Mom mom guess what?
- What?
- I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said:
- Mom mom guess what, I pissed out a bullet.
So the mom told her what happened 16 years ago.
Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy and said:
- Mom mom guess what?
The mom said:
- Let me guess, you pissed out a bullet.
- No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!
The Perfect Day According To:
HER
- 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
- 9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
- 9:30 Light breakfast
- 11:00 Sunbathe
- 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
- 1:45 Shopping
- 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs
- 3:00 Facial, massage, nap
- 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
- 10:00 Make love
- 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
- 10:00 Wake up
- 10:02 Oral sex
- 10:10 Big Breakfast
- 11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
- 2:15 Enormous lunch
- 3:15 Oral sex
- 3:25 Play sports with the guys
- 4:30 Drink beer with the guys
- 6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
- 6:40 Oral sex
- 6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
- 11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
- 11:10 Sleep
