Most viewed jokes

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Ketchup.

- Ketchup who?

- Catch up with me and I'll tell you!

Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
→ They were all born on holidays.

What do you call a frog with no hind legs?
→ Unhoppy!!

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand:

- My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies:

- Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy:

- Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies:

- Don't count your eggs before they're hatched.

Last is little Johnny:

- My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies:

- Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!

Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: "I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."

Yo mama is so fat...that she makes Godzilla look like an action figure

How many Librans does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two. Is that okay with you?

What did the hail storm say to the roof?
→ Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary sprinkles

A man is walking down the street when he hears a voice:

- Pssst you come over here!

He looks round and can see no one but an old mangy greyhound.

- yes over here! - Said the greyhound

- Look at me I'm tied up here, I should be racing I won 14 races in my carrer you know?

The man thought to himself:

- Oh my god a talking dog, I have to have it, it will make me rich, tv appearances cabaret bookings

So he goes in search of the owner.

He found the owner and said:

- I'd like to buy your dog, is he for sale??

The owner says:

- No mate you don't want that old moth eaten thing!

- But I do! - Insisted the man

- I'lll give you 1000 pounds for him.

- Ok said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!

Handing over the money the man said:

- Why do you think that?

The man replied:

- Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's life!