Most viewed jokes

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.

- My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure - she lamented to the woman next to her.

- Well - the lady replied.

- what's wrong with that?

- He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings.

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."

For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda:

- Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.

- Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!

Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.

All were humming:

- Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom.

Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball.

- My medium... Vashtri, - she called.

- Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?

Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called:

- Grampa? Zayde?

- Ah, Milteleh? - a thin voice quavered.

- Yes! Yes! - cried Milty.

- This is your Milty! Grandfather, are you happy in the other world?

- Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord! A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until:

- So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask.

- Zayde, when did you learn to speak English? - sighed Milty.

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00".

She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"

"Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it."

How bad could it be?, the woman thought.

Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.

The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!"

"Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad."

Then the woman's two daughters came home from school.

"Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!"

Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work.

"Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said:

- Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says:

- Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!

The woman says:

- Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!

Yo mama head so big she has to step into her shirts.

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?
→ Damn

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.

The first Marine asked the second Marine:

- If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?

The second Marine said:

- I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?

The first Marine replied:

- I would stand very still for half an hour.

A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him. He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to "Ya know, get to, like, know each other better." She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with, "I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic confrontation." He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several seconds of embarassed silence, he finaly admitted, "Huh? I don't get it!" "Exactly!" she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left, leaving him standing there in puzzlement.