A blonde ran into the hospital screaming. A doctor came running to her aid. To his surprise her ears were badly burnt and red.
- What happened? - he asked.
- I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang, thinking the iron was the phone I put it to my ear - she replied.
- Oh no, but what happened to your other ear?
She frowned and replied:
- The jerk rang back!
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"
Yo mama nose so big that her neck broke from the weight!
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says:
- Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.
The mexican man pleads with them:
- No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says:
- Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him:
- The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says:
- Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT:
- What starting salary were you looking for?
The engineer replied:
- In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.
The interviewer said:
- Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?
The Engineer sat up straight and said:
- Wow! Are you kidding?
The interviewer replied:
- Well Yeah, but you started it.
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says:
- Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it.
Her friend asks:
- What's the puzzle supposed to look like?
The blonde says:
- From the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says:
- First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.
- Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box!
A man complaining to a friend:
- I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all gone!
- What happened? - asked the friend.
- Ahhhh ... my wife found out ...
Yo Mama's so fat that while she's sits on the beach, the lifeguard comes up to her to say, "Excuse me mame, but the tide wants to come in."
Yo Mama's so fat she uses an air balloon for parachute.
Why isn't gambling allowed in Africa?
→ Because of all the cheetahs.
