Most viewed jokes

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him:

- I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied:

- You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...:

- Paint my house.

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth...can you make it?"

Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church.

"Hey, Joe...can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him.

"Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!".

"Joe, don't worry... I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card...find the sin...and follow it over to the appropriate penance...it's that simple...here comes the first penetant...try it!!"

So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen...

"Bless me Father... I have sinned... I have had impure thoughts." Joe looks at the list...finds "Impure Thoughts" and orders: "Say two Our Fathers, three Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more."

"Thank you, Father," replies the penetant.

Hey...this is easy!! The next one comes in. "Bless me father. I have sinned. I have fornicated."

Fornication...fornication...can't find it...oh there it is on the back.

"Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more.".

"Thank you, Father".

Then the third arrives. "Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex."

Oral sex? Oral sex? It's not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass. "Pssst... Jimmy...c'mere!! What does Father O'Brien give for Oral Sex?"

The boy replies...

"A Snickers and a Coke. Why?"

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:

- Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?

To which the farmer replied:

- Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

- This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

- I was working smarter - not harder.

- Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

- I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm! This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

- I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

- I'm in the management training program.

- I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

- No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

- The coffee machine is broken.... Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

- Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

- Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

- I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

- The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

- Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

- I'm just resting my eyes.

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are under their wives control and they other for those that control their wives.

After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his independence.

- That's easy - said the fellow.

- My wife told me to stand here!

Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

- Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?

- It's fly soup sir!

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German:

- What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The German responds:

- I will take oil!

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican:

- What do you want on your back?

- I will take nothing - says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

- What will you take on your back? - the Amazons ask the American.

He responds:

- I'll take the Mexican.

What were Jesus' last words at the last supper?
→ "Ok, all you guys who want to be in the picture, get on THIS side of the table"