Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:
- I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.
To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied:
- That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
→ Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
You know you're a redneck if your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out.
The egg mutters to no one in particular:
- I guess we answered that question.
A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
- I will grant you three wishes - announced the genie.
- But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double.
The salesman thought about this for a while.
- For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars - he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
- But your rival has just received $20,000,000 - the genie said.
- I've always wanted a Ferrari - the salesman said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared.
- But your rival has just received two Ferraris - the genie said.
- And what is your last wish?
- Well - said the salesman - I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says:
- You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud.
So the farmer takes him home and says:
- It's your first day so take it slow, okay?
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says:
- Roy, did you have to die?
Roy says:
- Quiet! They're about to land!
One day the African chief's wife gave birth to a white child and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father and looked at him suspiciously.
- You have been fucking my wives - he accused the white father, who looked very uncomfortable. The Jesuit, tried to wriggle out of the difficult situation by trying to explain Mendel's laws of genetics to the wrathful black.
- You see that herd of sheep - he said, pointing to the chief's herd - Most of them are white; but you will also notice 2 black lambs among them.
- OK! OK! - said the chief.
- You keep your mouth shut and so will I.
Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.
She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer:
- if I can guess how many sheep in you're flock will you give me a sheep.
The farmer says:
- OK.
The brunette says:
- 485.
The farmer says:
- that's right but if I can guess you're natural hair color can I have my sheep back.
The brunette says:
- OK.
The farmer says:
- blonde.
The brunette says how did you know.
The farmer says you just picked the dog.
Two mates are having a chat over a beer.
- Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath? - one bloke asks his friend.
- No way! - his mate replies.
- Well - says the first bloke.
- do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?
- Fuck no! - his mate replies.
- Well - says the first bloke.
- what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?
- We're going to play elephants and circuses - said a little boy at kindergarten.
- Do you want to join in?
- I'd love to - replied the teacher.
- What do you want me to do?
- You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts!
