Most viewed jokes

- I'd like a new frog, please.

- But you bought one only yesterday. What happened?

- It Kermit-ted suicide.

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me:

- You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said:

- See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar!'

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her:

- Is something bugging you? You look anxious.

- Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market - she explained.

- Oh, that's too bad - the other girl sympathized.

- I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him.

- Yeah, I am - she said.

- He'll miss me.

When the Vice President of R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff will try to ensure that all elephants are completely prehunted before he sees them. If the VP sees a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) Compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West.
4. During each traverse

• a. Catch each animal seen
• b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
• c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.

- It was late at night - says the pilot.

- Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings.

- I'm sorry - says the auditor.

- but you'll have to bear the cost yourself.

- The cost of what? - asks the pilot.

- Of the bearings you lost.

Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois?
→ The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.

- Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.

- Patient: And how much will it cost?

- Dentist: It's $90.00.

- Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???

- Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

- Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses

- You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!