Most viewed jokes

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
→ He said:

- Where am I, Cathy?

And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

- We'd like a room, please - the bloke said, nodding toward his misses.

- We were married this morning.

- Congratulations - the desk clerk said.

- how about the bridal?

- No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.

How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ One - he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve around him.

Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland"

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper."

The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man:

- We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife

A look of shock comes over the man's face. He says:

- I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I guess I'm not the man for this job

- No, you're not - agree the agents - You're free to go.

They bring the second man to the door and say:

- We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife

The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent and after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down his face.

- I tried - he says - but I just couldn't do it. I can't kill my wife

The agents let him leave.

They bring the woman to the door and say:

- We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your husband

She takes the gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13 rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for the next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. The door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks at both agents, wipes her brow and says:

- Whew! You guys didn't tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to death with the chair!

What is the Easter Bunny's favourite sport?
→ Basket-ball, of course!

If ever you want to annoy someone who annoys you, just say this punchline to a friend as you're walking by the annoying someone. Repeat this ritual (making sure the annoyance can hear you) constantly, but never tell the annoying someone the rest of the joke.

It will eventually drive them slightly insane!

The punchline is:

- And then the president said - But that's not my duck!

What really is the rest of the joke? In your dreams, baby!