Most viewed jokes

There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this "thing" sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady:

- There ain't hardly no justice in this world.

The other little old lady asked:

- What do you mean by that?

- Well - the first lady said - When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

- There's a car being towed from the parking lot - he said.

- An ambulance just drove by.

A few moments passed.

- Looks like the Andersons have company - he called out.

- Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed.

- How do you know that? - the startled father asked.

- Their kid is standing out on the balcony too - his son replied.

Why dont mexicans and blacks have children together?
→ They're afraid the kids will grow up too lazy to steal.

A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond.

- It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world - she boasted.

- The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz.

- What a diamond!

- How lucky you are!

- Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel - said the diamonded lady.

- Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!

The ladies buzzed and asked:

- And what's the Lipshitz curse?

- Lipshitz - sighed the lady.

Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

- I didn't order this.

- I know, but your meal tastes worse.

- Will I ever be able to race my horse again - the owner asked the vet.

The vet replied:

- You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!

What do you catch when you go ice fishing?
→ A cold

There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.

One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them:

- How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?

The bulls replied:

- We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!