Most viewed jokes

Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars?
→ So they can park in handicapped spaces.

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked: "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replied "You're violent when you're drunk!"

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.

- HA - he snorted.

- The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward:

- There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat.

- That's not your chest! - he roars back.

- Damn right it's my chest - she argued.

- Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

- Lord, I have a problem!

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.

- Why is that, Eve? - came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a 'man', Lord?

- This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

- Sounds great - says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

- Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

- What's that, Lord?

- You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

What's the hardest part of milking a mouse?
→ Getting it to fit over a bucket!

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
→ Because men keep telling them that this...|<---------------------->| is 12 inches.

A new bellringer was needed for Notre Dame Cathedral to replace Quasimoto, the hunchback. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job. The bishop was incredulous:

- You have no arms!

- No matter - said the man:

- Observe!

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop ran down the long series of steps to the bottom of the cathedral, then rushed out to the man's side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked:

- Bishop, who was this man?

- I don't know his name - the bishop sadly replied - but his face rings a bell.

But wait...there's more!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia word for you!), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said:

- Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet and began to create the most wonderful sounds to be heard. When he had finished, he turned to the bishop, groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side:

- What has happened? - the first asked breathlessly - Who is this man?

- I don't know his name - sighed the distraught bishop - but he's a dead ringer for his brother!

Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts: "Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?"

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?
→ Reptiles!