Most viewed jokes

What occurs twice in a lifetime, but only once in a year, twice in a week, but never in a day?
→ The letter "E"

What sexual position makes an ugly baby?
→ Ask your mom!

What was the snail doing on the highway?
→ About one mile a day!

A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner he cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked:

- Did I screw up the cooking...?

- No, - the cowboy replied, - you cooked up the screwing.

Yo mama's house is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy:

- Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.

The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.

- Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager.

The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked:

- All right buddy, what's you're name?

- Sam, - the cowboy moaned.

- Where ya from, Sam?

With pain in his voice Sam replied....

- The balcony.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender...

- Brunette: I'll have a B and C.

- Bartender: What is a B and C?

- Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.

- Redhead: And, I'll have a G and T.

- Bartender: What's a G and T?

- Redhead: Gin and tonic.

- Blonde: I'll have a 15.

- Bartender: What's a 15?

- Blonde: 7 and 7

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks:

- whats in the box

The man says:

- I'll show ya' if you get me a beer.

So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!

Next the bar tender asks:

- hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?

The man says:

- I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer.

So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says:

- I got it from a geenie and a lamp

The bar tender says:

- If ya' let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer.

The man says:

- Oh, Okay!

The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.

The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!

The geenie says:

- Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?

The bar tender says:

- I wish for a million bucks!!!

And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room:

- What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!

And the man says:

- Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!

When I die I want to go peacefully -- like my grandfather did -- In his sleep.

Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.

It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.

- Oh, thank you! - said the elephant.

- My, pleasure ma'am. - said the sparrow.

- Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask.

The sparrow said:

- Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant.

- Be my guest! - said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.

- OUCH! - said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said:

- Am I hurting you, dear?