Most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
→ 3 dollars a year for a million years.

What squeaks as it solves crimes?
→ Miami mice!

I received a letter from my bank the other day, telling me, "This is the last time we're going to spend a quarter to tell you that you have fifteen cents!"

231. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
     Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
     Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
     Blonde: Yes.
     Operator: The power in the house in on?
     Blonde: Of course.
     Operator: And the switch is on?
     Blonde: Yes, yes.
     Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
     Blonde: No, it's working fine.
     Operator: Then what's the problem?
     Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
232. What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.
233. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced:

- I'm going to try to swim to shore.

So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself:

- I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.

So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself:

- I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too.

So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said:

- I'm too tired to go on!

So she swam back.

234. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend:

- Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?

235. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said:

- Oh, look at the deer tracks.

The other blonde looks and says:

- Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.

- No. Those are deer tracks.

They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

236. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said:

- No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook

237. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said:

- Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.

- Oh No! - she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.

- Who was God's son? - said Saint Peter.

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said:

- Andy!

- That's interesting... What made you say that? - said Saint Peter.

Then She started to sing:

- Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me...

238. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
     Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
     Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
239. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
240. A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":

- I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!

161. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
     → Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
162. Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
     → Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
163. Why do blondes have legs?
     → So they don't get stuck to the ground.
     → To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
     → So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
164. Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
     → It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
165. What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
     → The Blonde!
166. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
     → Flattered.
167. Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
     → They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
168. Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the Drive Inn Theater?
     → They went to see "Closed for the Season"
169. What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
     → 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
170. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
     → An interpreter.
171. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
     → A mental block.
172. What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
     → A wind tunnel.
173. What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?
     → An air mattress.
174. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
     → A dope ring.
175. What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
     → Sweet Fuck All...
176. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
     → Frosted Flakes.
177. What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
     → Air bubbles.
178. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
     → Frosted Flakes.
179. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
     → Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
180. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
     → A Space Invader.

Be nice to your kids... they will pick out your nursing home someday!

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife:

- Where's the rake?

She replies by nodding her arms like she can't hear.

So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says:

- What?!

She says:

- I left tit behind the bush.

The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.

One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.

- Well, my son - the chief replied.

- When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.

For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say:

- you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising.

- And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say:

- you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over.

- So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?

Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks. "What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion. "I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."